My mate died after fucking an inmate at the psychiatric hospital where he worked. Turns out he had a serious nut allergy.
My condom split on me last night. It was terrible, there was spunk all over my keyboard.
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish.
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar…. It was tense.
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital.
One’s in a korma and the other has a dodgy tikka.
I was playing scrabble with the wife last night and I’m almost positive she was making words up.
Like whoever heard of foreplay?
This ugly bird asked me to buy her a drink in the pub last night.
I said, “Do you know Will.I.Am?”
She said “Yeah”.
I said….well I’m his half brother….Will.I.Fuck!”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces earlier.
My next shit could spell disaster….!!
I hate people who take drugs!!
…….especially custom officials!
As an incredibly talented writer, I truly believe that the pen is mightier than the sword.
……..except in a sword fight of course!
One of my mates told me that I often make people feel uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say, ……..it ruined our bath!!
Little 5 year old Daisy sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build an extension. She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders, with hearts of gold, adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a pink hard hat & gloves. Even a wage packet of £5. “Goodness” says Mummy, smiling, “are you working there next week?” Daisy replies: “I think so Mummy, provided those bastards at the builders merchants deliver the fuckin bricks on time “……
A salesman knocks on the door of a home and is answered by an 11 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of vodka in the other. The salesman asks the boy “excuse me sonny, but is your mum or dad at home?% The boy replied……”does it fuckin look like it?!! ……..
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest cock she had ever laid her hands on. I said “you’re pulling my leg”!!
Paddy is doing a crossword and says to murphy, “I’m stuck on 2 down, “Flightless bird from Iceland…6 & 7 letter?” Murphy thinks about it and replies, “Ya thick bastard Dat’s easy……frozen chicken”
A child’s first day at school….the teacher asks….”What does your dad do as a job?” “He’s a magician” the young boy says. “And what is his favourite trick?” asks the teacher. “Sawing people in half” replies the boy. “Have you any brothers and sisters?” the teacher asks. “Yes” says the boy….”One half brother and two half-sisters….!”
Apparently my missus contacted the hospital this morning to let them know that if my condition should deteriorate, then she gives them her permission to switch of my life support machine. They had to inform her that this isn’t an option for a sprained ankle!
I met a Kamikaze pilot once his name was ‘Chow Mein’.
When I asked why he was still alive he said because he was “Chicken Chow Mein!”
King Kong went for a job as a lifeguard. The interviewer asked him if he could swim. He said, “No, but I can wade out for miles!”
And there’s a thing…..if modern man evolved from apes….where the fuck did Donald Trump come from?
My wife has told me she’s recently lost the urge to masturbate. She”s just not feeling herself, lately.
I got caught in a shower last week. Thats the last time I try to fuck the plughole.
I took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourette’s.
Turns out she doesn’t have it, I am a cunt….and she really does want me to fuck off!!
Pinocchio goes to his father and moans that whenever he has sex with a girl, she complains about the splinters.
His father gives him a piece of sand paper and tells him to rub his dick with it before sex and it should solve the problem.
A few days later, Pinnochio’s father asks how’s he getting on with the girls.
Pinnochio replies,….”Girls, who needs them?”…
I knocked on my neighbour’s door today, “You need to tell your daughter to keep the noise down”, I said.
“Wrong house mate,” he replied, “She’s not in”.
“I know” I said, “She’s in my house shagging my son”!…
My wife said I was like an animal in bed last night….. What’s a Sloth..????
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs…..?
Because their balls drop over their assholes and block the airway to the brain!!!
Three things a woman can do better than any man.
1) bleed for a week and not die.
2) produce milk without eating grass.
3) bury an 8″ bone faster than any dog !! ………..
It’s so hard to lose weight when you have, “oh what are they called”? Oh yes, an over active knife and fork !! …….
And here’s a thing to remember……doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog shit off your shoe!
We’re so skint at the moment that I’ve had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year. If things get any fucking worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports TV!!
I came home from work one day, and the wife is watching the a cookery programme on TV. I said to her, “Why do you bother watching that shit…..you still can’t fucking cook”!! The wife snarled at me, “Why do you watch porn then? You still can’t fuck.”
My wife woke me up last night and told me there was a burglar in the kitchen eating some of her left-over apple pie.
I didn’t know who to call first, the police or a fucking ambulance.
How come Dracula was always so impeccably turned out when he couldn’t even see his own reflection in a mirror? It’s total fucking fiction in my book!!
The wife brought a tub of ice cream home, and asked me if I wanted some. “How hard is it”? I asked. She cheekily replied, “As hard as your cock when you’re thinking about me naked!, I said “go on then, pour me a glass”…..
Two policemen knocked on my friggin door last night…. They said…..”We’ve been getting complaints” “You should be doing your job a bit bloody better then!”…….I replied.
“How long are you in for”, I asked my new cell mate. “Just a couple of minutes then I’m usually done” he said……………as he carried on thrusting …..
I found a note stuck on my door from my sexy blonde neighbour today saying…
“I want you to come round tonight and fuck me stupid”
Well she can piss off
Nobody calls me names and then asks for a favour!
So much has changed since my girlfriend got pregnant.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
A man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips off all her clothes.
“Now, do a handstand against the full length mirror!”
‘Hmmm’ she thinks, “Kinky, I like it!”
She does a handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and rests his chin on her crotch.
“The boys in the pub were right!” he says… “A goatee would suit me.”
“Please don’t make me do it daddy, I don’t like it! My son whined, trying to wriggle free.” It smells of pee and tastes disgusting.” “That’s a bloody horrible thing to say!” I said “Now stop being so bloody silly and go give your Gran a kiss”……….