I lost two things today. My virginity....... And my job at the morgue.
My new girlfriend really hates it when I use the words "dick head" and "twat". So I've promised to make a real effort to learn her kids real names.
Old Macdonald had Tourettes... E, I, E, I, TWAT!
Anybody can masturbate under a sheet...... but it takes real skill to do it without the barber noticing!